A Complete Love

Here I like to refer to the Sternberg’s definition of love. Imagine a triangle made of Intimacy, Passion, and Commitment; these are the three elements of “Complete Love” according to the Sternberg’s definition.

Other kinds of Love or Relationships

So, what happen if there are only two of these elements are available in a relationship, for example intimacy and passion? This is what Sternberg called “Romantic Relationship”, similar to what I have described in my article “When We Thought We Were in Love”. When two peoples care about each other and they are passionate about one another. There is physical attraction between them and they might share many secretes with each other.Now how about a relationship in which there is only one element exist? For example passion, this is “Love at First Sight”, similar to my article, “When I was in Love”. Another example is when the only element available is commitment without any passion or intimacy, this is an empty relationship where usually is the end of the relationship or a marriage which has been kept for the sake of children, financial difficulties or the society’s disapproval of divorce. Finally, in the companionship of  two people who may share secretes and they are committed to one another but they are not passionate or physically attracted to each other, this is similar to the relationship between two good friends which I have illustrated in my article “Meaningful Relationships”.

On the other hand if you have all the three elements of love in your relationship, according to Sternberg you are in a “Complete Love” relationship.

Now you may want to make a list of the people you know or you may want to think about your relationships and find out what kind of relationships you are in?

When I Grow in Complete Love

Today, I want to share with you how is growing in love; in another word, how is to grow in a complete love.

When we met each other, we did not know anything about each other. At first we haven’t even asked many questions from each other except the basic information such as our names and our professions. But, there was a simple on-going conversation between us with no expectations.

We started our relationship like two friends whom were comfortable with one another and supported each other in some areas. As the relationships grown further we supported each other in various occasions with no co-dependency. We gradually realized that we have common interests, common goals and we have similar out look to the life. It was then that we became more and more intimated and we disclosed more personal information and our deeper thoughts and feelings. We talked about more serious matters such as our future’s plan, financial situations, children up-bringing, our values, etc.

We occasionally had some disagreements, misunderstandings and a few arguments which mostly happens during the early stages. However, we did not jump to any conclusion and every time we faced conflicts, one or both of us behaved in a more matured manner and we resolved the issues through mutual and understanding communications.

Our young relationship was like a seed to us which we both committed ourselves to take care of it and every time that there was a misunderstanding, we gave ourselves enough time to think over the issues in a more objective manner. Each time, we put our love in between us and considered the best options for our relationship instead of simply thinking about our own agendas and benefits.

We have slowly learned about each others’ emotions, feelings, sensitivities, weakness, and strengths and by supporting each other we encouraged one another to work through our strengths and improve our personalities whilst adapting new alternatives when face our weaknesses.

20 characteristics of a Happy Healthy Loving Relationship:

There are so many factors that are nurturing a relationship to fulfill every person’s desire for a loving and intimate relationship. Here I am going to share with you a few of these factors and characteristic:

1. Openness: when two people are open to experience and open to new ideas they are able to see the other partner’s point of view and therefore able to sympathies with their partner. They will also enjoy learning something new and experiencing something different. openness goes hand in hand with acceptance.
2. Kindness: if both parties are kind enough, they can empathize with their partner who goes through difficult time. Kindness with empathy  helps partners to feel being understood and supported.
3. Acceptance: unconditional acceptance provide a safe space for each partner to be themselves and to experience a true love without conditions. This is necessary for improving the self-esteem and the self-confidence of every individual.
4. Compromise: if both partners are willing to compromise when face different ideas, interests and situations; it gives each person a sense of having a win-win relationship and encourage both partners for a mutual understanding of their needs .
5. Forgiveness: One necessary factor in face of misunderstanding or hurtful situations is forgiveness. if both partners are generous enough to forgive the other party to save their love, they will be able to move beyond the painful situations.
6. Supportiveness: Being supportive in the rainy days which might happen throughout each person’s life journey is a key factor for having a meaningful relationship.
7. Humility: If one can kill one’s ego, one can then request for forgiveness, humility is the key for asking forgiveness.
8. Creativity: At times, we need to create new ideas to bring varieties in our relationship and make it more dynamic and happy. For example, having a romantic night, giving a birthday’s gift or planning for an event needs a good sense of creativity.
9. Investment: To be able to compromise, to be creative and to forgive, it takes a fair amount of mental and physical energy investment. In this way the relationships will be nurtured in a long run.
10. Patience: To avoid unhappiness and misunderstandings partners need to be patience and do not jump to the conclusion and avoid wrong judgment in face of conflicts. It is only after clearing the dark clouds from the sky that we can see the light of the truth. This needs a fair amount of patience.
11. Good Listener: at times we all need a good listening ear when we face difficulties in our work place or other stations. Willingness to listen to our partner wholeheartedly needs skills and attentiveness.
12. Humor: Sometime, humor is a way to get out of the conflict or to lighten the heavy burden of the difficult moments.  If one or both parties have a sense of humor, it helps the relationships to be happier and to get over the conflicts easier.
13. Spontaneity: A dynamic relationship need flexibility and spontaneity to make the moments more interesting and enjoyable.
14. Sociability: When both parties are sociable and pleasant, they can interact with other friends and relatives and it will nurture their relationship by bringing more diversity in their activities and enable partners to have other meaningful relationships with respect to their boundaries.
15. Respectfulness: respecting every human is a virtue, but being in a long term relationship needs more awareness of being respectful to the other parties’ ideas, feelings, differences etc.
16. Affectionate: We cannot be in a passionate love relationship without expressing how we feel about our partner. Partners must often tell each other how much they care about one another and how they feel about each other. Expressing love and emotions gives both parties a feeling of being important and being loved. This will nurture the root of the loving relationship and improve partner’s confidence in their love relationship.
17. Assertiveness: Each party must be assertive and express their needs and emotions. Partners must inform one another about their point of views or their feelings. We should not expect our partner to read our minds or to feel our emotions.
18. Honesty: the most significant factor in the relationship is honesty. It will bring a sense of mutual trust and security in the relationship. The foundation of any happy loving relationship is mutual trust and honesty.
19. Self-actualization: This is one of the higher needs for every human being. In a complete love relationship each partner assist and support the other partner to realize their full potential and to fulfill their needs for self-actualization.
20. Sharing Dreams: When two people are in a complete love, not only they are able to realize their personal dreams, but they will enjoy the happiness and the joy of sharing their dreams with one another.

Growing in a Complete Love is not only about growing a happy and healthy loving relationship; it is also about two people helping one another to improve their personalities to reach up to their full potentials. It is a growing journey of two travelers who become self-actualized individuals whom share their dreams.

As you may thought these factors and characteristics are not limited to a loving relationship, but they are necessary for any happy and healthy relationships with ourselves and with others. It is also true that many of these factors are the characteristics of a healthy personality. Hence, if two healthy people enter a relationship, most probably their relationship will grow in a healthy and happy way, whilst they themselves also improve their personalities to reach up to their full potentials and to become self-actualized individuals whom share their dreams with one another.

In the end, I am sure these are not the only virtues about having a healthy loving relationship. This is what I have summarized from my personal experience. Please do feel free to share your personal experience with us too and let us know how one can grow in a “Complete Love”.

I started a relationship with a person who was already married with children. We thought that we were on a similar path and we had so many things in common. We planned for our future and we could understand each other in many ways. For example, we had a lot of intellectual discussions, we were very adventurs and we both loved to travel. But finally we drifted apart and went our different ways. It showed me that in fact I was in the wrong relationship from the beginning and that was just to fulfill our respective needs. We were both needy and we came to each other to fulfil our empty lives! It is good to know why you are in the relationship.

When we thought we were in love is about the story of the time that two people may think or feel they are in love. But it might not be a healthy relationship. Often both of the parties are needy and they fulfil their needs in this relationship; what we can call co-dependent relationship.

What is a co-dependent relationship?

For example, if a married man or a woman, due to lack of love or unfulfilled relationship starts a new relationship outside of the marriage, does this mean the new or the original relationship is a co-dependent relationship? Often, the other party who enters to this kind of relationship is a needy person or have some issues about relationship as well; therefore, the possibility to develop a co-dependent relationship is high.

Different examples:

Old Man- Young Girl: father & daughter relationship; this does not necessarily means that there should be an age different between the two people. But it might be the role of father and daughter which each party plays in the relationship. It might be too much support, protect or control from the man and neediness and childish behavior from the woman. It might be the need of the old man to feel younger by having a young woman.

Old Woman-Young boy: mother & son relationship; here again it does not mean there is age gap between the two people. Although they might be of a similar age, the man is playing the role of the son and the woman is playing the mother’s role. It might include irresponsibility from the man and too much care and protection from the woman. In both of these relationships one party is passive and the other is domineering.

Drug abusers: when two people are together to continue their common business while they might not love each other. They might company each other in a same activity such as addiction.

Business people: people who start a business together and for the sake of their business they may live together or even may marry each other to get some legal benefits such as citizenship.

Two insecure people; when two parties are very insecure and dependent. Therefore they fulfill each other neediness.

Abuser & Victim; when a person is emotionally, physically, psychologically or financially abusing the other party whilst the other person is continue to stay in this abusive relationship. They both complement each other in a form of co-dependent relationship. One reason for forming this abusive relationship might be learning from their past whilst being abused in the past they may feel comfortable and think this is the way that a relationship should be. The person who has been abused may come to believe that to try and help themselves is a futile exercise, this behaviour is commonly referred as learned helplessness and this people will try to change and improve the situation.

Mentor and mentee; when a person needs to be worshiped and the other party needs to worship, which might come from parental issues. Sometimes one person is searching for a parental figure to worship, love, and being accepted or loved by them. The relationship between student and teacher might be one of the examples. It is also possible that one party is a narcissistic person who needs to be admired and the other party has low self-esteem and seeks approval.

To sum up the above statements, a co-dependent relationship may consist any of the above or combined relationships scenarios which collectively would be called multiple co-dependency, this list is non-exhaustive to the above mentioned co-dependent relationships and there might be additional scenarios which may come in to play from time to time.

Healthy Relationship

A healthy and strong relationship is when two individuals grow in love together. It is when two people are independent and able to fulfill their life and take care of their needs independently whilst they are in an interdependent relationship and grow together. It is an equal relationship of giving and receiving love and traveling the life journey in the same boat on the same path.

A few years ago one of my colleagues gave me a good tip about being successful. At that period of time I was competing with my classmates to be the top student. And my classmates did certain things that did not seem to be very honest. I was very disappointed with their behavior and I shared how I felt with a colleague. He told me not be so upset at my classmates’ behavior and that everybody has a wining formula.

He told me what I needed to find my own winning formula, find what made me special and that what will help me to be successful.  When I asked him “what is winning formula?” He said “Winning formula is the way that a person achieves what he/she wants and it is unique to everyone.”

This conversation sparked me to start discovering my winning formula.

Today, I would say that my wining formula is a combination of several things. Some of these may work only for me while the rest might be common keys of success that may work for many. Here I want to share some of my winning formulas which are sometimes my strengths or sometimes my weaknesses.

My Winning Formulas

Strong Desire or Will Power
To achieve what I want whilst knowing what exactly it is, I have the full desire and willingness to work toward my goals.

Determination and Persistence
Despite all the obstacles and circumstances I commit myself to move, even with small and shaky steps.

Turning the Difficulties into Challenges
When it comes to obstacles, I see them as a challenge towards growth and learning.

Ability to Say No
Though my favorite answer is ‘Yes’, when it is appropriate to say ‘No’, I wont hesitate and I will say ‘No’.

Being Open to Experiences
I train my brain to be able to think and see multi-dimensionally by doing small steps. For example changing hair style, trying new foods, using different colors and roads etc… I practice to be open to changes such as changing my beliefs etc…

Cleansing Negative Thoughts, Feelings and Memories
I cleanse negative thoughts by writing them down and burning them. I give away some of the stuff which might not be useful for me but might be usable for others. This helps me to get over  feelings, emotions and thoughts which bother me.

Adaptability to Situations
If changing the environment is not possible, I adjust to the situation while  respecting my own principles and exercise awareness not to forget my ideas.

Analyzing the Situation
I practice to see the situation and observe myself objectively by getting others’ opinion or putting myself in others’ shoes.

Knowing  My Weakness and Strengths
I meditate to know myself, my strengths and weaknesses. If it is possible I practice to change my weakness or accept them while appreciating my strengths.

Humility
Practicing humility helps me to understand people easier and enjoy being with them.

Friendship
I do have respect and love for my friends by being sensitive to their feeling and situations, especially for a few wonderful friends who came along my path and changed my life.

Networking or Socializing
Interacting with different people and learning from each individual is like absorbing from an encyclopedia of people .

Continuing Education
I am hungry and strive to learn. I see myself as a life-long student by keeping myself updated with new findings and technology as well as ancient knowledge and philosophy.

Pro-activity
I invest myself wholly in what I am doing whether it is studying, work or relationships.

Creativity
I try to see other possible ways of thinking and analyzing to create new ideas and ways for doing things differently.

Honesty
Being truthful, first to myself and also to people who I am involved with in work, relationships, friendships etc… make my life comfortable.

Acceptance and Respect for Others Beliefs and Opinions
If I sit in another person’s position, I will be able to see from their point of view which gives me a better understanding of them. I will be able to accept them as they are while respecting our differences.

Appreciating Good Things
By giving thanks to people who care about me and appreciating their true being and integrity, I feel good and so do they.

Self Motivation
By seeing the positive side of each incident and event even in my failures, I motivate myself to find a way move forward.

Going Down to the Darkness
I allow myself to feel the sadness, depression and hopelessness whenever I am down. Whilst I accept my vulnerable part of me, I do not stay stuck in the darkness and start to try again.

Taking Risks
Though I think  twice before taking  risks, I do not want to stop taking risks in various aspects.

Searching for Mentor
Although I believe we can always learn something from each individual, yet there are very few special people who have changed my life by opening my eyes to the new perspectives.

Doing Voluntary Work
I believe volunteer work is a way of giving and receiving while helping and learning.

Investing in My Physical and Mental Health and Well-Being
Sometimes it needs money, time or attention to take care of myself.

Grasping the Opportunities
I remind myself to make the best use of each opportunity.

Reading Books or Listening to Success Stories of Others
I may find what would be suitable for me according to my individuality and specific situation by knowing more about others’ success stories.

Feeling The Happiness
I remind myself to enjoy what I have and I am not too worried about what I don’t have.

Persistence
I make efforts for what I want and try not to give up and keep going by being resilient.

Patience
Sometimes I may even go a longer way and wait patiently to achieve what I want.

Positive Attitude
In whatever I do, I practice to do it with gratefulness and positive attitude toward people. As a result I receive a better feedback.

Respect but not Always  Obey

With respect for the social norms and others opinion, I still follow my own way and principals.

Accepting and Learning from the Past instead of Suppressing or Denying it

Accepting the past and empathizing with what so ever that happened or I what I may have done, I feel relief and able to learn from the past and move on.

Loving Human Beings from All Walks of Life, Religion, Nationalities and Loving Children as Pure Creatures.

Above all, the most important secret is that I am a human with all the humanity, physical, emotional and psychological aspects.  These features make me a unique individual and not a prefect person. I meditate to discover, accept and love who I am whilst have thirst for growth and self-improvement. I do whatever I can do and I believe if you have a target you have to shoot all your bullets to get at least one on target.

By the way, it doesn’t  matter how old I was or where and when it happened, the important point is how love changed my life. How it affected me, my ideologies, emotions and understanding about what being in love is!

My Thoughts:

My head was occupied with thinking, dreaming and fantasizing about being with the person with whom I was in love. For example, I used to dream about moving to his house and living with his family.

My Behavior:

Whatever I did was related to him and his reactions, as if he knew what I was doing. For example, if I wanted to buy something, I thought about what he would think or like. I would try my best to fulfill his tastes and likes even though I didn’t know what exactly they were!

My Goals and Ambitious:

I promised myself to reach a level in education and society comparable to him. For example I decided to do my studies in the same university where he had his education.

My Emotions & Feelings:

I was emotionally unstable, I always felt insecure, rejected, fragile and unwanted. On the other hand, sometimes I felt like flying whenever there was a small chance of meeting him. I could not breathe comfortably whenever he was around.

Sometimes I felt extremely happy and sometimes deeply sad and lonely. When I had to meet him, I was extremely excited to the degree where my heart was racing and I couldn’t breathe. It was like my heart wanted to jump out of my chest.

When I couldn’t see him I was disappointed. I felt that there is no hope at all and that it was the end of the world. Sometimes, I couldn’t sleep, eat or do my daily activities properly due to my obsessive thoughts or feelings of loneliness and depression.

My Self-Confidence:

I had very low self-esteem and self-confidence. I was like a piece of broken glass which breaks down into smaller and smaller pieces after each incident. I felt rejected and that he didn’t love me or that he was criticizing me.

These exaggerated cycle continued for about two years. By the third year, I was feeling better in terms of emotional stability. But it was mostly temporary and once in a while, all those circumstances came back to me with similar symptoms.

After 10 Years

Oh, did I tell you? Although I was in love, it was a one-way street and I was in love with an imaginary person from a distance.

So, I was in love for nearly 10 years and getting over it was a very slow process for me. Though love sometimes sounds to be very destructive, mine was constructive in many ways. I will be analyzing and explaining this more in the next articles.

Remember when your child tried to talk or to walk, how excited were you at that time? Do you remember how encouraging you were, how patient you were in guiding your child’s efforts to be able to walk or run?

Remember when you wanted to teach him the words “Mama” and ” Papa”, you were so excited and patiently taught him things about the “World”, “Life”, “Danger”, Good”, “Bad” etc…?

Have you lost your faith in your son or your daughter? If so, why?

• Is it because you refuse to accept that your child might have outgrown your knowledge as compared to when your child was young and dependent on your advice?
• Is it because your child has started to think differently and you have lost your faith in his maturity?
• Maybe he started to think that his way is different from your way and he left you to go on his own way which you might think  to be wrong.
• Maybe you have been the witness of his failures from time to time; in school, relationships, career, etc…

Remember yourself when your child was young. You did not blame him for falling down when he wanted to learn how to walk. But instead you held his hand and walked with him. You always encouraged him in his small steps.  Are you still an encouraging parent or do you now blame your child for his failures and faults?

From the time you stopped believing in him, small distances were created between you and your child. This might have made him lose faith in himself. He may have started thinking “I can’t do well!”, “I can’t be good enough”, or “I can’t succeed”.

Regardless of how old your child is, he or she still needs your faith and approval.

Start to trust your child and let him know that you still believe in him. Let him know that you still have faith in his abilities and his potential. Show him that you still love him more and not less than before in-spite of the differences between the both of you.

He needs to know that you still have faith in him and that you still love him. It is also your need to believe in your child and love him.

By trusting your child you will be witnessing your child blooming and growing, This will give both of you a sense of achievement and satisfaction.

In our everyday life we interact with people in our work place, social circle and family; most of these relationships are superficial rather than deep.

Example 1: Social Gatherings

Imagine yourself in a social gathering; everybody introduces themselves and starts mingling with each other. Then they may eat and drink while talking about politics, news or other events. But they seldom talk about themselves on a personal level. It seems that they want to escape from talking about their own feelings, thoughts and lives. Once the gathering finishes everybody says their goodbyes and goes about their own lives. How many of these people really opened themselves or felt intimacy and closeness to one another? How many of them learned from each other by sharing their true feelings, thoughts and experiences?

You may say that it is not necessary to open ourselves to everybody. That’s right, but what I mean is being real and not giving in to pretenses and false gaiety.

Example 2: Games People Play

In our commercial society it might be not easy to find meaningful relationships easily and one may find most relationships shallow or diplomatic. Often relationships are for short time which usually introduces masks while interacting with one another.

It is good to know that we all search for intimacy and meaningful relationships in our interpersonal interactions. But to find it, we may go through different directions. Erik Berne in his book, ‘Games People Play’ categorized a series of patterned and predictable transactions in which people interact. You may want to read his book to have a better understanding about people’s social interactions.

What is a meaningful relationship?

A relationship is meaningful when you feel safe and secure to be your real self. You feel comfortable to speak your mind and you are accepted unconditionally.  When you are in a meaningful relationship you feel listened too, understood and touched emotionally. You grow in these relationships through respectful criticism and by learning from one another.

How is it like to experience a meaningful relationship?

You may have a feeling of being

• Touched emotionally or intellectually
• Listened to or spoken to
• Supported or needed
• Mentored or respected
• Accepted unconditionally without judgements and able to accept the other in the same way
• Admired and feel that the other person is worthy of admiration
• Motivated and  inspired while being able to affect the other person positively
• Relaxed, and secure while  being able to trust, comfort and accommodate the other person
• Criticized positively while being able to do the same for the other
• Cared for and being there for the other person

In short a meaningful relationship allows you to discover yourself and the world by expanding your boundaries. But it is important to note that the level of  our expectations from relationships and the measurement of  fulfillment from them is subjective to different individuals.

The importance of having a meaningful relationship with ourselves

In my point of view, to have meaningful relationships, we should have honest relationships with ourselves in the first place. If we come to know, accept and respect the real person in us with all its strengths and weaknesses, we do not have to play any games with others in order to be accepted, loved or approved.

To have meaningful relationships with others, we need to feel secure and safe from inside, understand ourselves and be open to criticism for the sake of self-growth. We need to listen to ourselves and grow in our love for ourselves to find our inner peace and calm.

Applying meaning in our interpersonal interactions

Once a person has accepted oneself the way that he or she is, one may be able to apply meaning in one’s interactions with others easily. By being honest, open and being real we will provide a safe and comfortable atmosphere for ourselves and others to experience meaningful relationships and fulfilling moments.

Body for Mind Vs Mind for Body?
Activity (1)
Fundamental Human Needs
Activity (2)
How to make a balance between physical health and psychological health?
How to become a healthier and happier person physically, spiritually, emotionally etc… and living life fully?
Connection between Body & Mind (Relaxation)
Activity (3) and take a gift to your home

This event is organized by Haiku Centre Psychology/Counseling Centre in association with the Rotary Club Bulkit Timah. Only limited spaces is available & is filling up fast!

Please reserve your place by:

Tel: 63535110
Email: haiku@haikucentre.com.sg
Email: haiku-virtu@yahoo.com

• What is visualization (Brain Video)
• How to Use Visualization to Achieve Your Goals
• How mind mapping can add a stimulating component to your goal setting
• Mind mapping for goal setting
• Activity
• Brain Storming, Mind Mapping and Goal Setting for Individuals